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Drunken Jokes and Quotes

Jokes

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The Bartender says, "Why do have a steering wheel in your pants?" The man replies "I don't know but its driving me nuts".


A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

Down in the bayou, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

"And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinking, can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"


Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

A: About eight beers.


A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."


A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"


A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Quotes

"Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy a Fifth of Jack Daniels - which will help to take the edge off of reality for a little while."
-- Matthew Coers


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
-- Benjamin Franklin


"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."
-- Frank Zappa


"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."
-- David Daye


"Work is the curse of the drinking class."
-- Oscar Wilde


"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
-- Henny Youngman


"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer."
-- Homer Simpson


"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
-- Dave Barry


"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
-- Ernest Hemmingway


"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?"
-- Stephen Wright


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
-- Frank Sinatra


"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
--Ernest Hemingway


"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."
--W.C. Fields





A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
More Jokes >>


"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
-Henny Youngman

More Wisdum >>



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